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Gender difference in john grays men are from mars women are from venus

Summary[ edit ] Gray writes how men and women each monitor the amount of give and take in relationships.

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If the balance shifts, one person feeling they have given more than they have received, resentment can develop. This is a time when only communication can help to bring the relationship back into balance. Gray further asserts men and women view giving and receiving love differently, how individual actions intended as loving expressions are "tallied up.

He says women use a points system which few men are aware of.

  • He says women use a points system which few men are aware of;
  • Women and Men in a New Millennium", Kimmel contends that the perceived differences between men and women are ultimately a social construction, and that socially and politically, men and women want the same things;
  • Each individual act of love gets one point, regardless of magnitude.

Each individual act of love gets one point, regardless of magnitude. Men, on the other hand, assign small acts, small expenditures, fewer points. Larger blocks of points 20, 30, 40 points, etc.

To a woman, the emotional stroke delivered by sincere attention is inseparable from the act. The different perception of expenditure can lead to conflict when the man thinks his work has earned him, say, 20 points and deserves corresponding recognition, while the woman has assigned him only 1 point and recognizes him accordingly.

The man tends to think he can do one Big Thing for her scoring 50 points and not do much else, assuming he has "banked" points and can afford to "coast. Instead, the woman would rather have many little things done for her on a regular basis, because women like to think their men are thinking of them and care for them more constantly.

Gray clarifies how these two perceptions of "strokes" cause conflict. He encourages talking about these issues openly.

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Another major idea put forth in Gray's book regards the difference in the way the genders react to stress. Gray states when male tolerance to stressful situations is exceeded, they withdraw temporarily, "retreating into their cave", so to speak. Often, they literally retreat: In their "caves", men writes Gray are not necessarily focused on the problem at hand.

Yet this "time-out" lets them distance themselves from the problem and relax, allowing them to re-examine the problem later from a fresh perspective.

Men aren't from Mars and women aren't from Venus

Gray holds that male retreat into the cave has historically been hard for women to understand. When women become unduly stressed, their natural reaction is to talk with someone close about it even if talking doesn't provide a solution to the problem at hand.

  • Larger text size Very large text size If you have been convinced since reading books like Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus that your relationship troubles can be blamed on your partner because of their sex, you might need to think again;
  • It is also not unusual to have conversations in therapy about the universality of basic human psychological needs, and men and women can be surprised to discover their shared experience in this regard.

This sets up a natural dynamic where the man retreats as the woman tries to get closer, which becomes a major source of conflict between them. He writes when she feels full of love and energy to give to others, her wave is stable. When she gives of herself, but doesn't receive adequate love and attention in return, her wave becomes unbalanced, cresting and eventually crashing. Then, a woman needs the attention, listening, understanding, and reassurance of those around her—as well as self-love.

Gray explains that once she is rejuvenated by getting the support she needs, her wave is able to build and rise once again, with renewed love and energy to give. Men, advises Gray, should support this natural cycle by not being threatened by it or telling her why she should not feel the way a woman feels.

Popularity[ edit ] The book has sold more than 50 million copies, and according to a 1997 report by the book's publisher, HarperCollinsit is the all-time best-selling hardcover nonfiction book. There is currently an English version on tour in the UK.

Women and Men in a New Millennium", Kimmel contends that the perceived differences between men and women are ultimately a social construction, and that socially and politically, men and women want the same things. The two sexes are different, but are not so different that we cannot understand each other. That isn't what most men do, and it isn't good for either men or women.